What I’m experiencing as I go through this initial phase of adjustment to the kids being gone surprises me. I have always been somewhat naive about all kinds of things, so things that might not surprise other people surprise me. There is a critical battle going on inside me about identity and choosing new paths. The tenor of the battle is familiar, all having to do with art and faith and making something, and of course, how to spend my days. I keep telling people my creative juices are crying out to me, wanting to do some acting or writing or something. And it’s true. What’s surprising is the familiarity of the tensions. I was expecting new vistas; my initial impression is that some of the deep soul things haven’t changed all that much.
Central to all of it is discovering again the will of God. Sounds funny, but I’m convinced that God’s will for our individual lives is sometimes direct and discoverable, and sometimes not. Sometimes it’s specific, and sometimes not. Sometimes it’s in tension with our desires, sometimes not. But He’s always there to be a voice in our choosing. But when these yearnings and pitchings start to roll in, I wonder if that’s God’s way of talking to me about direction. It’s hard to say.
It’ll take some quiet and prayer to hear correctly. Or at least…well.