Well, yesterday…I preached again. My task was to essentially set the table for the elders to speak into a difficult situation we’ve been dealing with, and in doing that, I felt a strong need to model what I’ve been calling brokenness. So from the pulpit, I explained my own. I talked about my various disappointments in life, from career to relationship to personal integrity, as well as my litany of sin, from cruelty to greed to lust to acedia, and spoke in specific terms…at least enough to let the people know I wasn’t kidding. The message was one of hope, that we are all broken, and there is an alchemy in facing it, accepting it, and inviting God into the middle of it that is all of possibility and change. At the end of the day, I felt a strange serenity, as if I’d emptied some piece of myself into the world that had long been held back, and this morning, though I have a sort of echo in me that is slightly horrified that I said what I said in public, the serenity remains, and newness is here as well.
It’s hard to describe. The felt reality of my life with God has been all over the map, and I assume this current state is a gift and a passing phenomenon. Maybe it’s the closest to the “peace that passes understanding” that I’ve experienced. I have tons of work to do, my hopes for some immense career success remain as distant as ever, my car is headed into the shop today for some work that feels expensive, I have friends in deep crisis over families and children and futures, and there are darkening clouds in several places as I face the day, but I can’t help it…I just feel good. And it feels like fruit, as in “of the Spirit”–not earned or worked for, but simply appearing in season.
I have no idea, really, what God is up to in my life, except that He is present and on the move. So today, I will arrange yet a bit more music, prep the weeks rehearsals, go back to gym class, and have coffee with an old colleague as we talk about deep and practical matters. Who knows what will come?
And one other thing…Friday Night Lights is back…
…and it’s great…
One Reply to “Saying What’s What…”
May God show favor on your obedience. One of the covenant values at our church is this form of ‘brokenness’ — a quote I love, (that I believe is from McDonald?) “Broken things are worthless in this world, but broken things God can not resist.”